We all have our sexy little secrets. Figuring out someone in bed takes months. Figuring out someone in a relationship takes years. Then there’s figuring out how to talk about someone’s sexual fantasies.

You can read thousands of articles, you can watch Sex in the City reruns, you can sexually Myers-Briggs your man to death, you can spend thousands of dollars on therapy…


You can just ask them! Profound concept, right? However, asking someone point blank what their secret sex fantasy is can be like asking a stranger for his or her ATM pin code. You’re probably not going to get an honest answer.

When we start out a new romance, the best way to get to know each other is by asking questions. What do you do? What’s your favorite movie? There’s a lot of hidden information in those questions that we elegantly use to figure people out.

Sexual sleuthing doesn’t have to be awkward…you may just need to use a little subterfuge to get your man talking.  If we leave those sex fantasy questions unasked and, ten months later, you’re resentful that he hasn’t tied you up yet and he’s frustrated you won’t play along with scenario he keeps hinting at.

So, here are FIVE simple, sneaky (yet innocuous) ways you can start feeling out your partner’s secret sexual fantasies, get you both talking about sex, and circumvent the awkwardness.

1. Ask “What was the first thing you can remember that turned you on sexually?”

This sounds weird, but asking this can offer HUGE insights into what pushes your partner’s buttons sexually. For example, I once had a boyfriend who admitted that, when he was young, he was obsessed with commercials for Bodyshaping, a morning workout program for ESPN. Cut to 30 years later and he’s got an odd little kink for aerobics and bodysuits. Go figure.

2. Figure out what time of day (and what circumstances) does your partner usually get the most “charged up.”

Life can be hectic. It is hard enough to sync up schedule-wise, so it’s good to figure out when you’re both feeling the most in the mood. Is it morning or night? Is it when he’s bored at work or the first time you see each other after you get home? You need to know! Figure out when he’s at his perkiest and use that time to start asking him about what turns him on. (He’ll be way more apt to answer.)

3. If the sex fantasy too embarrassing to bring up, rent a movie.

The easiest example is 50 Shades of Grey. Maybe not the best true-to-life example of real-life bondage (or acting), but what a better way to enter into a conversation about BDSM with someone? Find a movie that features what you’re into (or you suspect your man is into), keep your finger on the pause button, and let the movie be your sexual icebreaker.

4. Make the sex fantasy equivalent of a swear jar.

Try this exercise with your partner. Ask them — if there was a “sexy thoughts” box where you could slip in a piece of paper with a secret desire every time you had one, would your box be… a). Dusty, b). Medium-full, c). In need of a second box to handle the overflow?

The next step is making that box (and hiding it from your kids) and filling it with some suggestions to get your man thinking about what he might really want. It’s an indirect, and extremely effective, way to create sexual anticipation.

5. Find ways to lower your “sex talk” inhibition level.

And we don’t just mean getting drunk. Have you ever done karaoke? Gone sky-diving? Bungie jumped? The first time you do any of those things, it’s TERRIFYING. By the tenth time, it’s old news.

Talking about sex is the SAME way. Make the move in a public place. Whisper something filthy in his ear. Tell him you want him in a crowded restaurant. Just show each other that you’re ready to take things up a notch, with your words and actions, and get the ball rolling.

BUT… what happens when your plan works, you finally start talking about your sex fantasies, but you don’t know how to make them a reality?

Fortunately, there are options out there that make it easier. For example, The Fantasy Box.

TFB sends pre-packaged, fully planned sexy dates featuring everything from an at-home spa encounter to an Interrogator & Spy fantasy. Each box comes with a selection of high-end gear (lingerie, toys, and more) and instruction cards that tell you EXACTLY what you need to do.

The first box in the subscription, called The Introduction Box, comes with a fun questionnaire that’s designed to help couples break that fantasy ice and open the lines of sexual communication. Best of all,  you’re both answering the questions at the same time, so you don’t have to worry about anyone not responding.


The important thing is to find a way to start starting to each other about what you both really want from sex. Ask the sexy questions. Give your own sexy answers. Don’t judge. Don’t hesitate. Just ask and LISTEN.

Don’t spend another day worrying about whether or not your sex life could be hotter. If you get the courage to ask, you’ll know for sure and he’ll never stop thanking you for asking.

Sexual Sleuthing- Discovering Secret Fantasies

One thought on “Sexual Sleuthing- Discovering Secret Fantasies

  • July 12, 2017 at 7:13 pm

    My boyfriend and I are going on two years together. We’ve had conversations where we’ve dared each other by bringing up fantasies or things we just want to try. Those conversations are started and ended, only over text, in a matter of minutes. We’re too shy face to face and that can’t be!

    When I happened upon The Fantasy Box for the first time fireworks went off in my head. It was like a sex therapist would enter the relationship in the privacy of our own home and in the form of a box, something neither of us could be embarrassed in front of. We were both very giggly at first, trying getting into a comfort zone together. The first box came with a quiz to learn more about the simplicity of things we both liked and wanted and how we liked and wanted those things. We both learned so much about each other from those 20 or so questions in fifteen minutes than we have over the last two years!

    I have already suggested The Fantasy Box to two of my friends because they’ve had their relationship struggles and just this first box really is like magic!


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