“Honey I want to have ________ (sex).”
No matter what word you insert, that’s a conversation that’s both tricky and a little nerve-wracking to initiate. Talking about what you want in the bedroom does not inherently mean something’s wrong today, but let’s be honest, it can make both parties feel pretty vulnerable…something we all probably know from personal experience.
I was introduced to the world of toys (and frankly, thinking about sex as something that you had options with beyond missionary and a few other basics) through a sex toys house party. I came home and told my partner that I’d bought some “stuff.” He looked at me with curiosity and said “What? Why?” Not only did I feel a little embarrassed and awkward because I didn’t have an answer I thought would be acceptable, I also realized I had no idea what to do with the toys and with him when they arrived. See, I’d bought a vibrator (well, three to be exact). How do you tell a man that you’d like to bring some buzz into your bedsheets when you’ve literally never talked about sex? I was mortified. We’d completely skipped the talk about preferences like so may of us do today because we started HAVING sex before we’re actually comfortable enough with each other to TALK about sex. So, the box arrived, and when I was alone, I opened it, laid them on the table, put them back in the box and closed it back up. My partner casually asked about the delivery a few times but I just deflected. And so it stayed closed until we split up.
Now, 15 years later, I’ve made it my profession to help couples have *___* sex. Not that it has to be an every-night thing, but to make a clothes analogy, having “too many outfits to choose from” is not something you will hear me complaining about. If you’re thinking about spicing it up, here’s some food for thought:
1) It’s all about the approach. You can position the suggestion in a non-threatening way that feels authentic to you. You can be lighthearted and say “oh, I heard about this really fun thing from Sheila today”, you can bring it up in your post-coital cuddling “mmm, that was amazing. I’d love to do that again soon. And, you know what i’d really love…”, you can pose it as a shared adventure that you’d love to go on.
2) Get educated: We’ve all read erotic novels and have seen the basic tools of the trade out there. But, many of us have never used lubricants, vibrators, restraints, blindfolds or any other bedroom add-ons. If you’re going to initiate a move into uncharted waters and you’re not using a service, it’s likely your partner is going to expect you to have some idea of what you want. Luckily, there are so many places to get educated today- videos, articles, high-end stores like Good Vibrations and Babeland, home parties, friends even classes. Take control and get the information. You can even email suggestions of what they can do to you in the interest of, you know, research.
3) Don’t chicken out: Set a date for when you’re going to get down to it. Don’t just assume it will happen on a random night because it won’t. Plus, the anticipation is delicious. Send a little text to get them extra revved up.
4) Take the opportunity to learn: If you’re one of those couples that never talked about preferences, now’s your chance. In The Fantasy Box, the first experience involves filling out some fun sexy surveys and discussing your answers over a romantic dinner (before you head to the bedroom for some Leader and Follower action- hehe). You can do that on your own- download an internet survey that feels good to you, print one out for each of you, discuss over dinner. Then play.
5) Relax and enjoy it…or laugh it off: It’s pretty much impossible to orgasm if you’re worried or thinking about something else. Though this is going to be new to you both, be sure you are making noises showing you’re liking what’s going on. And, of course, if something goes wrong…laugh about it. Laughter is very bonding and sexy.
Now, get out there and fill in that blank.